Thursday, December 30, 2010

Grand Finale

December has left me slightly undone, I admit.  I had hopes to write a lengthy tome to each of my amazing offspring detailing the wonders inherent within.  Frankly, I'm too tired.  Sad, right?  The good news is I'm tired because the 3 of us have spent our week off visiting food trailers, running errands, playing at the park, etc., etc. I love these children with every part of me.  There is not a single person, place or thing on this planet for which I am more grateful than my punks.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Big One

December 27th - it's been a few days since I posted anything at all.  The weeks leading up to Christmas were craaaazy, with a week of work travel, major health issues, and finally, Christmas. I decided to spend the time at my Mom's unplugged and totally engaged.  It was lovely. And it allowed me to focus on those for whom I am most grateful - my family.
Brit and I built this family together, from the ground up.  I'll take the next couple days to sing the praises and count the ways I am grateful for my children, but today, I want you to know how grateful I am for my husband.
I'm blessed to be married to a man of enormous talent. His gifts with language amaze me daily. He's a poet who sets his words to music and crafts beautiful songs which paint a complete picture, evocative of thought provoking story full of emotion and imagery.  Stunning. Oh, and?  He's very nearly done with a novel of equal artfulness. The man can spin a tale.
From the moment I met him I knew he was harboring a gigantic heart. God forbid word get out, but the man is full of love. My children and I are fortunate enough to be the recipients of the lion's share of his largess of spirit.
This man, this man who has been through so much and fought so hard. It's hard to consider  - not something I like to think about - but I'm pretty confident that he's still here because he wants to be with US.  And by here, I mean alive.  He's lived through terrifying illnesses and crippling depression. He's made it through both because of conscious decisions to be the person we need him to be, and I know this. We were best friends long before we were lovers and I'm so happy we're both. I couldn't imagine my life without this man.
I am so grateful to my husband for choosing me in the first place, and for making the choice to recover and grow and be here, in the moment, for this family we built.  I love you sweetheart.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Gratitude on Christmas Eve

We've had a bit of a rough week over here. It started last weekend when our planned trip to the in-laws turned into an unplanned trip to visit Brit's Grandmother in the hospital. (She's home now and has just had her hair done - good as ever, which is pretty darn good.) Then I got the very violent flu going around and was simply IN BED, not preparing for Christmas at all, but rather worrying about the domino effect and if we would make it to my mom's or not. (We'll leave in an hour or two - a day later than planned.) Yesterday I received news that my own Grandmother, Dorothy (my father's step-mother), died last weekend. (And yes, that's how communication goes in my father's family.  He's probably finding out for himself now as he reads this.  I love you Dad.)
In the midst of all of this, I assure you, I've been grateful.  I've just not been loquacious about my gratitude. I've held it quietly to myself, like a security blanket.  A soft shield reminding me that we have so much and imperfect moments are just that - moments. Our lives together are a mosaic of moments and the overall image is beauty and joy.
Today, this Christmas Eve, I'm grateful for all of the gifts that Christmas brings. Family and love and time together and reminders of the bounty of our lives. I'm grateful for the Gift of Christmas, especially. Forgiveness and Peace and a reminder to do better and do for others.
Much love to you this Holiday, however you celebrate. Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Catching up, and speaking of hearts.

I took a little break.  I had to.  I managed to continue to blog while changing cities every other day.  And I managed to continue to blog while doing all that work-related travel and getting ready for the holidays.  But on Friday, I arrived home to a missing husband and boy.  They're fine - but due to a dead cell phone, I was very late finding out that they had rushed to Katy to be with Brit's Grandmother, who was hospitalized after a stroke and heart attack.  So, I've been in Katy since Friday night and have chosen to stay off the Internet while there.  Instead I made chili and soup and bread and chicken salad and anything else I could think of.  And Grandmother?  She's good.  She's charming the scrubs off the nurses in her ward, and is very likely being released tomorrow.  Both the stroke and heart attack were very, very mild.  Our beloved Gigi is very nearly 90.
During the weekend I was reminded several times of the value of this exercise.  Just over half way in, and the lesson is beginning to take.  Be grateful. Find the silver lining.  Notice the beauty around you. Be still and identify the grace in this. moment. here. There were so many times this weekend when I thought, "I am grateful for this, now, and here." Here are a few of those moments.
Friday: Our drive to Katy was very different than planned.  Rather than leaving all together Saturday morning, the girl and I were leaving on Friday night after a very, very long week for me, to meet Brit and the boy, already there. But the drive was a delight.  My daughter is good company, and it's been a long time since the two of us were alone together for an extended time with nothing but each other to keep us entertained. I am extremely grateful for more than 2 hours alone with my daughter, sharing each other's undivided attention.
Saturday: Brit is crazy.  I love him to pieces, I do, but his nearly catastrophic health issues from a few years back left him with a touch of the PTSD.  He does not handle stress well.  He does not handle changes of plan well.  Or I should say, he didn't. This weekend we learned for certain that talk therapy, thoughtfully prescribed medication from a good psychiatrist, and time and a loving supportive family can really heal a person's mind. Brit got the call from his folks, packed up everything he and the boy would need, and hit the road and not once did he enter full blown fugue state.  No nearly catatonic anxiety attacks.  No exploding anger in all directions. Instead, I arrived in Katy to a calm, rational, loving husband who rather than needing care was doing an AMAZING job taking care - of his son, his hospitalized Grandmother, and his mom. I spent much of Saturday awash with gratitude that his mental health is so greatly improved. I cannot begin to express the impact this has on our quality of life as a family. This one?  This one was so easy to be grateful for, and to a magnitude of a gazillion.
Sunday: My in-laws are loving, generous, gracious people who supported us emotionally and materially during the years of the aforementioned health issues. They love, love, love my children in a way a parent can only hope and pray for. As Brit and I get older I am blessed to watch my relationship with my in-laws develop and mature.  On Sunday, as I joked about my failing eyesight (I'm getting old!) and commiserated and shared the marvel of child rearing experiences with my in-laws I felt a growing awareness of the increasing depth of this relationship I have with them. It's difficult to articulate. As the child of my parents, I will always be the child. I was still developing as an adult when I first met my in-laws, but am not constrained in any way by a past relationship as a child with them. I've known them now for 15 years, and there is only very recently a blossoming new complexity to our relationship that seems to stem from our shared experiences, as, well, grown-ups.  I'm not their kid. I'm the woman raising their grand-kids and caring for and loving their son. These are things we share - our love of these people, and of each other, and our experiences as adults.  They accept me as a member of their family 100% and treat me as their daughter, but also as a friend. I have this sense of them observing the family their son and I have created  and supporting that family in every way imaginable. I am so grateful for this relationship, and the marvel I feel at the way it continues to develop and enrich my life. I am so lucky to have married the son of Buddy and Susan. I'm so lucky to have Buddy and Susan in my life.
And today? Today I'm grateful that my children have such a great relationship with their great-grandmother, and I'm filled with gratitude that it is not over yet. Grandmother loves us all so much, and the feeling is mutual. Strong, stubborn, generous, loving, opinionated. This woman sees the world exactly the way SHE wants it to be, and her mind cannot be changed. Thankfully, in her version of the world her family is perfect. Her great-grandchildren are the most brilliant and attractive children on the planet. Her heart is strong and her mind is sharp. Tonight, I'm thankful that she's right, and all of these things appear, to me as well, to be true.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Pre-school Christmas Programs

Tiny little voices singing songs you've known for as long as you've known how to sing
One or two little voices, not so little, singing LOUD
My little blonde boy as Joseph
My little blonde boy lifting his arms triumphantly, and encouragingly, as the crowd claps
All the sweet little faces.  Oh, the faces.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Home

I've been traveling all week.  For work.  I'm exhausted and today was non stop running from the moment I woke up in Nashville until the moment I walked in my front door in Austin, where I was promptly greeted by hugs and kisses.  I'm so grateful to be home.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Lucy - Gratitude on day 14

I spent part of this morning having my vet confirm something I already know.  My sweet Lucy has a tumor growing in the area around her eye.  This is in addition to whatever is making her periodically incontinent and of course, her old lady lab hips.  She's 14.  She's also my baby. 
She's a total lab. She looks like a stuffed animal, but I've never doubted for a minute that she would attack anyone who threatened a member of our family. She has slept in my room, frequently in the bed, nearly every night for the past 14 years.  She's too old to get on the bed now (and, um, way too stinky) but she still sleeps on the floor by my side.  If she's in the house, she's within a foot or two of me at all times. She's my girl.
She's also The Boy's girls.  He loves our dogs and he's always got a kind word and a gentle pat for Miss Lucy, and she appreciates it.  Both the kids, as babies, have had some lovely moments of sharing a snack while pre-verbal with the lovely little Lucy. She was that dog, who would wait patiently, tongue around fingers, no teeth in sight, until tiny little hands finally released the cheerio to the loving companion with a giggle. Man, that's a moment I love.  The gentle dog sharing a snack with the generous baby, the baby who won't share with anyone BUT the dog.
I'm really not sure how long she's got.  She gave me a scare about 2 years ago when she really started to earn the nickname "Juicy Lucy" but she's still going strong.  She eats, she plays, and she gives the two younger dogs hell.  She's the ultimate alpha bitch, and also our cuddly companion.  I love her, and I am thankful for having spent a lifetime with her.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Exhausted and content - the gratitude continues

Yesterday afternoon I flew to Oklahoma City - I returned tonight, just a few moments ago.  In between we hosted the first of 3 events (OKC, Nashville, and Round Rock) that I've spent the past few months planning.  We tried out a new format, and it worked.  It worked! One down, two to go.  But you know what I'm really grateful for tonight?  My living room is clean. I came home to a clean living room.  You heard me - a clean living room, and I didn't clean it!  And that's what is warming my heart tonight.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Katie - Day 12

I love you, sis.  Happy Birthday!
You've been my tutor, my confidant, my protector and my advisor for just over 40 years.  I'm so grateful to have such a wise, beautiful, sensible, wonderous woman in my life.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Long Overdue Gratitude - Grateful Heart Day 11

In the Fall of 1993 I was fortunate enough to start the Theater History PhD program studying under the mentorship of the world renowned Oscar G. Brockett.  In 1997, 4 years later, I completed the work required to obtain my Masters' degree, having lost a brother, gained a life partner and extensively reevaluated what I really wanted in life during the interim years. I left the program without fully comprehending what I was leaving. I was finished with school, yes, but I didn't grasp the significance of the friends I was leaving.  Having had these amazing women in my life consistently for 4 years, I somehow missed the fact that once I wasn't in school with them, I wouldn't see them.  I knew where to find them as I was leaving school, of course (they'd be in the basement of the Winship building!), but I failed to fully understand that I wouldn't always know where to find them, like me they'd graduate and move on. Honestly, I felt so funny about not completing the PhD program that I didn't look back when I left - I was embarrassed and worried I'd be judged for leaving prematurely.  Naturally, my fears were unfounded, but still.  I went on with my life, as did my friends, and we lost touch.
The world lost a great scholar and teacher this past fall when Dr. Brockett shrugged off this mortal coil. Today was the memorial for Brock, and for the first time in over a dozen years, I knew just where to find the women who had supported me emotionally and intellectually as we struggled and flourished, often simultaneously, through a rewarding and challenging graduate studies program together.  Graduate school was hard.  It was exhausting and stressful and also intellectually stimulating and exciting and fulfilling. I never would have completed even my Masters without these women.  We vented together.  We studied together. We supported each other's research and celebrated each other's victories.
Amy, Jane, Shannon and Maria (and Emily - how I wish you'd been there today, too!)- thank you for being my friend then, and now.  Today I am immensely grateful for the opportunity to see each one of you and get my hands on you and squeeze you and tell you how much I love you.  People love to grouse about the ol' Facebook, but for the connections it has brought me to people I have missed so dearly, cherished friends like you, I'll always love that social media.
I love you ladies.  Today my gratitude is all about the opportunity to tell you thank you.  I love you.

Friday, December 10, 2010

This one is not a secret - Day 10

It is just not even a little bit of a secret that I'm grateful for my farm share.
Friday is our pick up day.  And tonight, after I put all these veggies away, I'm going to see Michal Pollan speak and I can feel all warm and fuzzy knowing he's preaching to the choir when he's talkin' to me.
(And now I have the Belly song,  "Feed the Tree" in my head, and I'm thankful for that, too!  Here you go!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQJjUbMrt8w)

Happy Friday!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

My grateful heart likes Serendipity

I love surprises.  I love expecting "meh" and getting "woo hoo". And today, I totally got that. And for this I am so thankful.
Today, at what I expected to be a boring meeting at work, I got this:
It's a chocolate chip cookie from Warren Brown's bakery in Washington DC.  I have a little baker's crush on Warren.  I love his story, and his energy.  You know who gave me this cookie?  Warren!* I got a little giddy.  A little, frankly, *swoon*.  So tonight, I'm grateful that I had this really delicious cookie to eat, and got to meet one of my baker crushes.
*Okay, he didn't personally hand it to me, but he was there, in the room, and he walked right past me.  I didn't know he would be there. I was sooooo excited.(He's a Dell customer, and the meeting was to honor some of the customers in our current ad campaign.)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My heart is nearly to bursting with gratitude- day 8

I'm making dinner alone in the kitchen, but not for long. My lovely young woman comes into the kitchen and offers to help. We chat pleasantly about her day at school while I peel a butternut squash and she waits for instructions on what I need.  She's already gotten out a baking dish for me, and now she's telling me about science class.  Enjoying the time together I listen, and peel. Finished peeling, I cut open the squash, and without a word from me she reaches behind her and pulls a big spoon from the silverware drawer and hands it to me, so I can scoop out the seeds. That moment.  Right then, when years of working together allow her to anticipate my needs and she responds to a request before I even consider asking, two steps ahead of me, and truly, truly helping.  Right then.  That spoon. That's what I'm grateful for tonight.
And also? I'm grateful that I didn't start crying right there and then.

I'm grateful for time together in the kitchen, making good things to eat.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day Seven of a Grateful Heart - Awe

The Oregon Coast - a truly awesome place
I read the most delightful article in O Magazine ealier this week, all about the science of awe. It put in words something I've long believed.  Being in nature, and allowing the universe to take my breath away, gives me a sense of my place in the world, and makes me a better person for it.  Nature makes me human and compassionate and more likely to strive to do better. Awe does this. Being knocked breathless by the enormity and beauty of it all inspires us, in the truest sense of the word, to truly contribute.
I've long believed that going out into nature centers me.  And our culture is full of mountaintop myths, stories and fables  - Jesus fasting on the mountain, the wise old hermit in the mountains, the benefit of meditating alone in nature. It turns out these beliefs are fully supported by science.  It does not surprise me to learn that being alone with nature for a time makes you more loving and kind to everyone around you when you descend from the mountain top. Centering yourself by being totally blown away is good for you.  And for that, I am truly grateful.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Day Six of a Grateful Heart - Peace

I am grateful, tonight, for the beautiful sunset which graced the skies of Austin tonight. Thank you for the peace you brought as I transitioned from a busy work day and walked to my car to head home to my lovely family.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Day Five of a Grateful Heart - Early Detection

I am so very grateful for my OB/GYN - the woman who said to me, during my annual two years ago, on a whim, "Let's go ahead and send you for your mammogram a year early.  It'll give them a chance to set a baseline, and they'll have something to compare to when you go in at 40." That appointment started a chain of events that led to the discovery, diagnosis and treatment of a very aggressive cancer in my left breast. One which we miraculously found in the very, very earliest stages. Stage zero, even, but still there. A year later and I shudder to think what would have been found. The early detection meant a day surgery for a lumpectomy, and a couple months of daily radiation treatments, but nothing more. No mastectomy. No chemo. No illness, really, what so ever. I struggled with some fear, of course, and abject terror at the very beginning, but overall, really the very best case scenario possible for breast cancer. And now I'm 100% cancer free.
 I'm also very grateful to my friends who remind me that to them, I am a survivor. I have two friends who pinned my name to their butts and completed the Komen Race for the Cure this year. I didn't even know about it until the day of the walk, and I am so grateful to these amazing women for supporting this cause. Before my own diagnosis I had wanted to join one of the Susan G Komen 3-day walks. I'd even fantasized about my sister and I finding the time for ourselves and each other and walking in the one in Arizona, together. Since my diagnosis, though, I wouldn't be comfortable joining a walk. I still struggle with my position as a "survivor" - I don't feel like I survived anything, because the early detection meant a wonderfully simple surgery and treatment. In many ways I have an odd kind of survivors guilt - why'd I get such an easy time of it?  Yes, of course, I still have dark moments where I worry about recurrence. I beat myself up for taking my current good health for granted - I know I need to exercise and lose weight to promote general, overall good health for my sweet body. I agonize over what might have caused this (we did the testing, and I don't have the gene) and what this means for me as I age - what other time bombs is this body hiding?   And yet, I don't feel like I have a right to identify as a survivor when what I survived physically wasn't that hard. My current goal is to move past that sit comfortably and quietly with my gratitude for that ease.  (And next year, I'll walk with my friends, if they'll have me.)
I'm trying to simply be grateful for that grace of ease, and nothing else.
No guilt, no fear, no tortured analysis of why. Many, many days those feelings show up - I want to get to a place where I don't dwell on the why me and the what if. Just gratitude,and grace.
Thank you Dr. Mirto, for putting the ease in disease.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Day Three of a Grateful Heart - Friday

Friday!
Early dismissal
Early pick-up
Farm share
Milk share
Lunch together
Piano Lesson
Daddy's Home!
Christmas tree farm
Dinner in Elgin
Blizzards (Flavor of the Month!)
Red Box Chick Flick
Staying up late in anticipation of sleeping in
Family
I love you, Friday!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Day Two of a Grateful Heart - My Job

I woke up early this morning and was immediately on line to get some work done.  I thought about writing my gratitude then, but I was too crabby and stressed and couldn't think of anything. Today was a very busy work day. Ironically, as the day progressed and I continued to tap-dance through my growing to-do list as quickly as I could, it began to occur to me that I actually am very, very grateful for my job. This is not a new idea, either.  I was shocked and somewhat embarrassed, even, when on Thanksgiving, rather than an ode to love, or a spiritual tip of the hat to the beauty that is my personal life, I heard myself say I'm thankful for my job.  But I am.
I was in a job for 3 years where I cried pretty regularly at work. I worked a good 50+hrs a week and I never felt like I was done, or had any breathing room.  Any request to work from home was quickly denied except in extenuating circumstances, and the assumption was always that you were really just goofing off. In November of 2009, like thousands of other people in Austin, I lost my job.  I was laid off in the middle of a recession while the news was repeating how bad it was and how much worse it was getting.  I was beyond terrified.  I am the breadwinner supporting a family of 4. I was freaking out. And before I could even make it home, my friend Molly called me and said, "I know you're probably still drying your tears (she was right) but if you can get me your resume this afternoon, I can get you an interview at Dell on Monday." Within two weeks of the layoff I had a job offer at Dell.  Within a month of the layoff, I started a new job.
Two years later, and I'm still here.  The job didn't exist before I started and I got to make it what I wanted it to be.  I get to do marketing and creative and messaging, and I also get to do event planning and sales strategy and I travel. I train our sales people and I answer questions and I help our 3rd party partners get the help they need reaching our sales team.  I can tell I'm adding value; I'm helping.  I'm a natural advocate, and advocacy is my main responsibility at this job.  And the only times I've ever cried?  When I read something sad in an email, or on the Internet. In my current position, people say thank you to me for doing what I am paid to do.  They tell me they appreciate me. I once even had the pleasure of hearing the Director of S&P sales for the Americas ascend a staircase shouting, "You're awesome Emily thanks!" as I walked back to my office.
And you know what? On Fridays I leave at lunch and pick up my daughter, and our farm share, and I work from home the rest of the afternoon. If there is a program at the kids' school, if I have a doctor's appointment, if I need a haircut even, I don't have to agonize about leaving the office. It is understood that I kick ass at work, and I have a life, and I'm left alone to manage both as I see fit.  I cannot tell you how amazing that freedom is. And for all the bosses out there? I relish it so much that I make sure I put in 110% at work every day so that I continue to earn that trust and freedom.
I once said that the only way I'd apply at Dell was if I thought I was going to lose the house. Given the economy the past two years, however, I jumped at the chance immediately.  I've never regretted it. I have better work life balance in my current position than I have ever had in my entire life, and I don't need to write evaluations for myself or anyone else. And today I worked from home, just because I could. No one ever even blinks, and I'm productive as hell.
Thank you Molly, Dave and Dell, for keeping a roof over my family's head, and keeping me engaged.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Day one of a Grateful Heart - My Friends

I have some really truly amazing women friends.  (Yes, I do know some really great men, too, but this one is for the ladies.) One of them, my friend Jote, has invited us all to join her in ending the year with a grateful heart. I absolutely adore the idea, so I've set up this little extra blog space just so I can join her.
Today (and every day), I am so grateful for my friends. I am full up with love and strength after an immensely satisfying evening with a group of friends who have prioritized gathering, once a month, for the sheer pleasure of each other's company.  We talked about parenting and schools and cute youtube videos and religion and politics and cancer and food and dogs and our lives and it was, oh!, so good for my soul.
I even had the pleasure of reading an inspiring post by one of these women, just today, singing the well deserved praises of another.  Pure awesomeness.
I celebrated my 40th with a trip to NYC, this time last year, with two of my very best friends - two women who until that trip had never met. They were the perfect traveling companions and it was the most amazing trip.

Dim Sum in NYC, where we were lucky enough to share our table with other amazing women friends.

And today, my work day was especially richly peppered with forays into the world of social media and the many, many friends with whom I share an on-line and in real life friendship. Oh, the internet! The electronic superhighway has brought so many, many amazing women into my life.  The Mamas definitely springs to the immediate forefront... Oh you mamas.  How I do love you.
I have such a startling, satisfying depth of breadth of women friends.  Sometimes I worry that I'm not a core member of a rock-solid group of cradle-to-grave lifetime friends, a la the YaYas, and then I remember that I have all-occasion friends - a multifaceted group of talented women who are with me through my hobbies, my whims, my love of food and drinking and talking rocking and parenting and all of life's goodness. Whatever the occasion or need or opportunity for communion I know that there are lovelies out there who will gladly jump and join in and the longer I live the more these circles entwine and weave the incredibly rich tapestry of my life. And for that, I am truly grateful.