Grand Finale

December has left me slightly undone, I admit.  I had hopes to write a lengthy tome to each of my amazing offspring detailing the wonders inherent within.  Frankly, I'm too tired.  Sad, right?  The good news is I'm tired because the 3 of us have spent our week off visiting food trailers, running errands, playing at the park, etc., etc. I love these children with every part of me.  There is not a single person, place or thing on this planet for which I am more grateful than my punks.

The Big One

December 27th - it's been a few days since I posted anything at all.  The weeks leading up to Christmas were craaaazy, with a week of work travel, major health issues, and finally, Christmas. I decided to spend the time at my Mom's unplugged and totally engaged.  It was lovely. And it allowed me to focus on those for whom I am most grateful - my family.
Brit and I built this family together, from the ground up.  I'll take the next couple days to sing the praises and count the ways I am grateful for my children, but today, I want you to know how grateful I am for my husband.
I'm blessed to be married to a man of enormous talent. His gifts with language amaze me daily. He's a poet who sets his words to music and crafts beautiful songs which paint a complete picture, evocative of thought provoking story full of emotion and imagery.  Stunning. Oh, and?  He's very nearly done with a novel of equal artfulness. The man can spin a tale.
From the moment I met him I knew he was harboring a gigantic heart. God forbid word get out, but the man is full of love. My children and I are fortunate enough to be the recipients of the lion's share of his largess of spirit.
This man, this man who has been through so much and fought so hard. It's hard to consider  - not something I like to think about - but I'm pretty confident that he's still here because he wants to be with US.  And by here, I mean alive.  He's lived through terrifying illnesses and crippling depression. He's made it through both because of conscious decisions to be the person we need him to be, and I know this. We were best friends long before we were lovers and I'm so happy we're both. I couldn't imagine my life without this man.
I am so grateful to my husband for choosing me in the first place, and for making the choice to recover and grow and be here, in the moment, for this family we built.  I love you sweetheart.

Gratitude on Christmas Eve

We've had a bit of a rough week over here. It started last weekend when our planned trip to the in-laws turned into an unplanned trip to visit Brit's Grandmother in the hospital. (She's home now and has just had her hair done - good as ever, which is pretty darn good.) Then I got the very violent flu going around and was simply IN BED, not preparing for Christmas at all, but rather worrying about the domino effect and if we would make it to my mom's or not. (We'll leave in an hour or two - a day later than planned.) Yesterday I received news that my own Grandmother, Dorothy (my father's step-mother), died last weekend. (And yes, that's how communication goes in my father's family.  He's probably finding out for himself now as he reads this.  I love you Dad.)
In the midst of all of this, I assure you, I've been grateful.  I've just not been loquacious about my gratitude. I've held it quietly to myself, like a security blanket.  A soft shield reminding me that we have so much and imperfect moments are just that - moments. Our lives together are a mosaic of moments and the overall image is beauty and joy.

Today, this Christmas Eve, I'm grateful for all of the gifts that Christmas brings. Family and love and time together and reminders of the bounty of our lives. I'm grateful for the Gift of Christmas, especially. Forgiveness and Peace and a reminder to do better and do for others.

Much love to you this Holiday, however you celebrate. Merry Christmas.

Catching up, and speaking of hearts.

I took a little break.  I had to.  I managed to continue to blog while changing cities every other day.  And I managed to continue to blog while doing all that work-related travel and getting ready for the holidays.  But on Friday, I arrived home to a missing husband and boy.  They're fine - but due to a dead cell phone, I was very late finding out that they had rushed to Katy to be with Brit's Grandmother, who was hospitalized after a stroke and heart attack.  So, I've been in Katy since Friday night and have chosen to stay off the Internet while there.  Instead I made chili and soup and bread and chicken salad and anything else I could think of.  And Grandmother?  She's good.  She's charming the scrubs off the nurses in her ward, and is very likely being released tomorrow.  Both the stroke and heart attack were very, very mild.  Our beloved Gigi is very nearly 90.
During the weekend I was reminded several times of the value of this exercise.  Just over half way in, and the lesson is beginning to take.  Be grateful. Find the silver lining.  Notice the beauty around you. Be still and identify the grace in this. moment. here. There were so many times this weekend when I thought, "I am grateful for this, now, and here." Here are a few of those moments.
Friday: Our drive to Katy was very different than planned.  Rather than leaving all together Saturday morning, the girl and I were leaving on Friday night after a very, very long week for me, to meet Brit and the boy, already there. But the drive was a delight.  My daughter is good company, and it's been a long time since the two of us were alone together for an extended time with nothing but each other to keep us entertained. I am extremely grateful for more than 2 hours alone with my daughter, sharing each other's undivided attention.
Saturday: Brit is crazy.  I love him to pieces, I do, but his nearly catastrophic health issues from a few years back left him with a touch of the PTSD.  He does not handle stress well.  He does not handle changes of plan well.  Or I should say, he didn't. This weekend we learned for certain that talk therapy, thoughtfully prescribed medication from a good psychiatrist, and time and a loving supportive family can really heal a person's mind. Brit got the call from his folks, packed up everything he and the boy would need, and hit the road and not once did he enter full blown fugue state.  No nearly catatonic anxiety attacks.  No exploding anger in all directions. Instead, I arrived in Katy to a calm, rational, loving husband who rather than needing care was doing an AMAZING job taking care - of his son, his hospitalized Grandmother, and his mom. I spent much of Saturday awash with gratitude that his mental health is so greatly improved. I cannot begin to express the impact this has on our quality of life as a family. This one?  This one was so easy to be grateful for, and to a magnitude of a gazillion.
Sunday: My in-laws are loving, generous, gracious people who supported us emotionally and materially during the years of the aforementioned health issues. They love, love, love my children in a way a parent can only hope and pray for. As Brit and I get older I am blessed to watch my relationship with my in-laws develop and mature.  On Sunday, as I joked about my failing eyesight (I'm getting old!) and commiserated and shared the marvel of child rearing experiences with my in-laws I felt a growing awareness of the increasing depth of this relationship I have with them. It's difficult to articulate. As the child of my parents, I will always be the child. I was still developing as an adult when I first met my in-laws, but am not constrained in any way by a past relationship as a child with them. I've known them now for 15 years, and there is only very recently a blossoming new complexity to our relationship that seems to stem from our shared experiences, as, well, grown-ups.  I'm not their kid. I'm the woman raising their grand-kids and caring for and loving their son. These are things we share - our love of these people, and of each other, and our experiences as adults.  They accept me as a member of their family 100% and treat me as their daughter, but also as a friend. I have this sense of them observing the family their son and I have created  and supporting that family in every way imaginable. I am so grateful for this relationship, and the marvel I feel at the way it continues to develop and enrich my life. I am so lucky to have married the son of Buddy and Susan. I'm so lucky to have Buddy and Susan in my life.
And today? Today I'm grateful that my children have such a great relationship with their great-grandmother, and I'm filled with gratitude that it is not over yet. Grandmother loves us all so much, and the feeling is mutual. Strong, stubborn, generous, loving, opinionated. This woman sees the world exactly the way SHE wants it to be, and her mind cannot be changed. Thankfully, in her version of the world her family is perfect. Her great-grandchildren are the most brilliant and attractive children on the planet. Her heart is strong and her mind is sharp. Tonight, I'm thankful that she's right, and all of these things appear, to me as well, to be true.

Pre-school Christmas Programs

Tiny little voices singing songs you've known for as long as you've known how to sing
One or two little voices, not so little, singing LOUD
My little blonde boy as Joseph
My little blonde boy lifting his arms triumphantly, and encouragingly, as the crowd claps
All the sweet little faces.  Oh, the faces.

Home

I've been traveling all week.  For work.  I'm exhausted and today was non stop running from the moment I woke up in Nashville until the moment I walked in my front door in Austin, where I was promptly greeted by hugs and kisses.  I'm so grateful to be home.

Lucy - Gratitude on day 14

I spent part of this morning having my vet confirm something I already know.  My sweet Lucy has a tumor growing in the area around her eye.  This is in addition to whatever is making her periodically incontinent and of course, her old lady lab hips.  She's 14.  She's also my baby. 
She's a total lab. She looks like a stuffed animal, but I've never doubted for a minute that she would attack anyone who threatened a member of our family. She has slept in my room, frequently in the bed, nearly every night for the past 14 years.  She's too old to get on the bed now (and, um, way too stinky) but she still sleeps on the floor by my side.  If she's in the house, she's within a foot or two of me at all times. She's my girl.
She's also The Boy's girls.  He loves our dogs and he's always got a kind word and a gentle pat for Miss Lucy, and she appreciates it.  Both the kids, as babies, have had some lovely moments of sharing a snack while pre-verbal with the lovely little Lucy. She was that dog, who would wait patiently, tongue around fingers, no teeth in sight, until tiny little hands finally released the cheerio to the loving companion with a giggle. Man, that's a moment I love.  The gentle dog sharing a snack with the generous baby, the baby who won't share with anyone BUT the dog.
I'm really not sure how long she's got.  She gave me a scare about 2 years ago when she really started to earn the nickname "Juicy Lucy" but she's still going strong.  She eats, she plays, and she gives the two younger dogs hell.  She's the ultimate alpha bitch, and also our cuddly companion.  I love her, and I am thankful for having spent a lifetime with her.